Tuesday, April 20, 2010

Jessica Alba Heads Tribeca Film Festival Jury...No, Seriously

Somewhere in Utah, Robert Redford is laughing his ass off.

Waking up early this morning to prepare for my phone interview about “The Good Heart” (a great movie) with Brian Cox (who’s stranded in Serbia because of the Icelandic volcano eruption, which kind of sounds like the opening of a dirty joke), I logged onto IMDB and almost spit out my PG Tips.

Headline: “Jessica Alba to Judge Tribeca Film Festival”

Are you kidding me? The woman has been nominated for five Razzies! With the exception of “Sin City,” her most impressive credits are “Fantastic Four” and “Into the Blue.” She doesn’t know the difference between Sweden and Switzerland! How is she going to decide who’s artistic integrity reigns supreme?!?!

But then I looked at the rest of the Tribeca Film Festival judging panel and it all come into focus.

This year Jessica Alba, Brooke Shields, Alicia Keys, America Ferrera, Zach Braff, Aaron Eckhart, Justin Bartha, Selma Blair, Peter Facinelli, Cheryl Hines and Whoopi Goldberg will decide who will win from a field of twelve narrative films and twelve documentaries competing for $100,000 in cash prizes.

I loved me some “Fastlane,” but Facinelli? Who dragged way-past-her-expiration-date Selma Blair out from under the rock she hides under when not shooting a “Hellboy” film? Bartha? Bartha? The “Hangover”-“National Treasure” guy who’s second major credit was going full retard in “Gigli”? Are you kidding me?!?

Robert De Niro, you should be ashamed.

Considering the “Judges,” I think my favorite film title in competition is “Gerrymandering.”

I assumed it was a documentary about disenfranchised voters, but now I like the idea that it’s actually about Gerard Butler, meandering around, manhandling the ladies.

That’s sure to get the jury’s vote.

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